君の名は

A dream of a dream. That is all that remains of you. We met once a long time ago. A face I can’t quite place with a name that always seems to evade my sharp tongue.

Maybe we crossed paths in a previous life, a life that I don’t remember living. A faded memory remains of our exploits, were we lovers? were we soul-mates? these questions race in my head as I take the morning train to work.

I have been living life like something has been missing. A crucial piece without which my puzzle of a life will remain a mystery. Did you have brown eyes or hazelnut? were you tall? no, you were short. Or maybe you were the same height as me. I don’t seem to remember.

Your name is swirling in my head somewhere, unable to break through the barrier between thought and word. Stuck in the twilight zone between what is real and what is a memory. Were we time-flyers? were we committing a grave crime running through time thinking time is infinite for those of us who are mortal.

All I know for sure is that I would trade in the blue sky to be with you. Rain can swallow the Earth up if it meant that I could be with you. The blessing of having a star-crossed lover is one only a handful of people will experience in the history of time.

My search has only begun for mine.

~In this world, those who have fallen in love cannot make clear judgements~

2 a.m. Friend

I have learned over the course of my 20 years of being alive that being heard and seen is truly a boon. Maybe that’s why it rips my heart apart when all I feel like is a person being used to gain something else. I long to make connections that will last a lifetime, which is why I throw myself completely into new connections I make and go over and beyond to keep in touch with people from my past.

I have enough self-serving bias to know what kind of person or friend I am. I am a 2 a.m. kind of friend. I will literally put my friends, and select members of my family, ahead of my own self. I don’t look at whether or not it inconveniences me in any way to help them, I just do it.

I understand that I am an easy person to take advantage of because I am also the kind of person to not say no. In my head I’ll be thinking that maybe I am being asked too much of, but that is nothing more than a fleeting thought. But I do it anyway because I don’t think that everyone I come across is capable of that kind of evil.

If you ask something of me and if it is in power to make it happen, I will move heaven and earth to get it done. I won’t even look at personal implications like if I have class in the morning, or if I have my own work to complete. The same people who ask of me the impossible can also hurt me deeply, but if they ask for help again I am the first one to say yes.

I am not divulging this to gain sympathy or to try and show-off, I know some people would have read halfway and have these thoughts. I am saying this because there are more of me out there. More people who will give themselves up for you as a sacrifice if they could. People who would step in front of a a bullet for you if you asked them, without hesitation.

Cherish the people like me because we, like astatine, are exceedingly rare to find. If you know someone like this in your life, make sure you make them feel valued. Don’t pile on the troubles they might be having by brushing them them off as an after-thought. We too, deserve to be heard and seen. Don’t let people like me rot away alone while you’re off having an adventure and making memories, karma can be a real pain in the ass when it wants to.

We deserve to be seen too.

“You never, truly, know the value of someone until they’re gone.”

 

Boomerang

This is a good feeling. I haven’t written anything on here since August. But it feels good to be back and I am back to explain my prolonged hiatus.

I have taken breaks before due to writers bloc or just not being able to find any inspiration. But the last 6 months of 2019 was probably the worst in my life. Medically, personally, and professionally. I have never been more tested in my own strength.

Friends, although now they’re more like acquaintances, I used to party with suddenly turned away from me. Started talking about how I had let go of myself or why I grew out my beard or why I looked the way I did. Not once did anyone ask me personally if I was okay, rather they gossiped with each other. Having a laugh at my expense while I was going through the hardest times of my life. Luckily, its not hard to see through weak people like them, it just makes me stronger.

The truth is I had let go of myself. I keep myself to certain standard when it comes to appearance. I actually take pride in it. All that went out the window when I was going though what I was going through. I just truly let go because it didn’t feel like it mattered anymore.

I couldn’t even talk to the one person I wanted to the most. The one person who’s advice would probably have pulled me out of the hole I dug myself. But thats a story for another time.

I’m just here to tell you that I am back. I have taken care of the issues I was having and I feel just as good. I came out of the darkness a better person, and with a better judge of character. I have learned that you can drink and dance together with people and the same people will run their mouth about you the first chance they get.

Anyway bygones and whatnot. I don’t live in the past. But best believe I will not fall for it again. I thank the people who helped me out of the hole, you guys are the real deal and the only ones who actually gave an ounce of care in the World if I was okay or not. Looking forward to expressing myself even more in the near future.

“A boomerang returns back to the person who throws it.But first, while moving in a circle, it hits its target.So does gossip.”

 

Safarnama

We are all on this journey of self-discovery. To find out who we are and why we have been put on this Earth. What is our purpose? what am I supposed to do? Where am I supposed to go?

But these answers lie within you. Deep within. You have to war with yourself constantly and take back your right from the demons holding it hostage within.

Most people lose this war and lose it again. But the few that make it through to the other side are blessed with divine retribution. They are the true symbol for hope and salvation.

The war is dangerous and you will suffer countless defeats. But winning the war only takes one moment of self-reflection. It doesn’t matter when that moment arises, but never stop searching for it.

The story of the journey is worth more than it’s weight in gold.

~Who in the world am I? Ah, that’s the great puzzle~

Une Nuit​ Froide

A cold snowy night. icicles form on a nearby street window from the remnants of last night’s cold showers. A cold and wet park bench is where I have made my temporary residence.

I glimpse at my phone to check the time, a quarter past two in the morning. I realize I have been sitting idle for almost two hours, a feat I previously thought impossible. I was never one to slow down and think, but here I find myself in such a life-defining situation.

I pray for catharsis so I can remove myself, just for a while, for this train-wreck I have caused. But it never came. And so I sit, wondering where did it all go so terribly wrong.

I relive each moment in our history, trying to solve this unsolvable puzzle. We used to be so jovial that it made people jealous, but we were also equally at war with each other. I hope you find what you’re looking for in this labyrinthian maze of life because I found mine and I know how much joy it can bring.

I am also familiar with the darkness it can bring once that is lost, so hold on to it for dear life

I sit here, trying to decipher this encrypted mind of mine. But it’s key lies with you.

~Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal.~

 

Rosa Himmel

There are many things that I would die for in this World. You are the only thing that I would live for.

You make living the easiest thing to do, it is so effortless, so extraordinarily simple. I often stare at the pink skies questioning the existence of everything, but the thought of questioning your existence feels like an er that cannot be forgiven.

The important question here is, are you willing to do the same for me?

Are you willing to fully expose yourself to me? to be utterly vulnerable and not hide behind a facade with me? herein lies the nuance.

The underlying truth is, all this is not reciprocal. You are not willing to make the same claims as me, so why should I settle for someone who cannot live for me?

I cannot strip another of a chance to be my forever, that is a power I do not yet possess. But I can still unlock myself from these shackles I have put myself in. Shackles that represent the lengths I would go to spend my forever with the wrong person.

I free myself and continue on my journey to find my forever with nothing but the pink skies to guide me.

~I will find you. In the farthest corner, I will find you.~

Starry Night

I find myself lost most of the time. Lost in these stories that I make up in my own mind, stories about you and I living our forever.

I am looking at you while I write this. We’re under the stars on this cold night talking about our future together while the warmth of your body against mine makes me forget all my woes.

I stare at you while you look away. Engraining this moment deep in my memory. I wish I was the plenipotentiary of time himself so that I could live in this moment forever. But what is the point of a moment if it is not fleeting.

As we embrace underneath the constellations you tell me that I am your forever and beyond.

How I wish I could stop the sands of time from flowing. Time is the most torturous music that the planets make.

Do you have a 100 words for me, love? Because I have only 3.

~True love stories never have endings~